STU: You look smart. Court appearance?

STATTO: Very funny.

STU: Fashion police finally caught up with you, did they?

STATTO: (Sigh)

STU: Seriously though, since you've started to care about your appearance, I've been really worried about you.

STATTO: Why?

STU: Well, you've gone from looking like the sort of bloke who drinks super-strength lager in the park, to someone who spends hours preening himself, moisturising and getting his hair cut regularly. It's not the behaviour of a new dad-of-two.

STATTO: What are you saying?

STU: Well, going back to last week's column about celebrity diseases, I'd say you're coming down with a bad dose of The Havers.

STATTO: No, I'm not!

STU: Yes, you are. You're behaving like a classic Nigel Havers-type – all clean-shaven and charming. It's the behaviour of a potential love-rat. Although, saying that, you could never be a love-rat.

STATTO: Why?

STU: You haven't got it in you.

STATTO: What's that supposed to mean?

STU: Being a love-rat requires skill, experience with women, good looks and quick wit. You have none of these things!

STATTO: Charming... and I suppose you do?

STU: I'm not a love-rat, mate. Although I've got the looks, the attitude, the banter and I'm always a hit with the ladies and… oh, hang on, that's not me, that's Gary, isn't it? Anyway, you'd be Britain's most unlikely love-rat. Actually, with those glasses, you'd be more like a lab-rat.

STATTO: Mate, you're wrong. Some of the most famous love-rats ever have been unlikely ones.

STU: Like who?

STATTO: Roland Rat.

STU: He's just a rat.

STATTO: Okay, poor example. What about Arthur Fowler in Eastenders?

STU: Not a bad shout, that.

STATTO: An 80s legend and a proper love-rat. Mind you, if being a love-rat means you have the charm, wit and bon viveur of Arthur Fowler, then I guess I don't want it.

STU: Nice use of "bon viveur" by the way. Good work.

STATTO: Thanks. Anyway, I'd never be a love-rat. A – I'm not cut out for it; B – I love my wife; and C – I can't be bothered doing an Arthur Fowler and chasing 'round after lonely divorcees like Christine Hewitt!

STU: She was all right for Arthur. She was one of the original MILFS.

STATTO: You can't say that!

STU: No, sorry, you're right. On second thoughts, I think she might have been a GILF!

STATTO: You're a total outrage!

STU: What?

STATTO: You know very well what! Anyway, if we're talking in abbreviations, you're a MILP!

STU: Eh?

STATTO: Mate I'd Like to Punch!

STU: Charming! Can we get back to Arthur Fowler, please?

STATTO: Yes, let's!

STU: With Pauline Fowler and Lou Beale on his case when he was at home, it was no wonder he strayed.

STATTO: Even so, it got labelled Bonk of the Year in the press.

STU: You'd never win a title like that.

STATTO: Maybe not, but it'd be fun trying!

STU: I don't want to think about it!

STATTO: What about Freddy Boswell and Lie Low Lil? Freddy Boswell's a classic example of an unlikely love-rat. He had mad, wiry hair, a donkey jacket and a drinker's gait and nose.

STU: You've just described yourself.

STATTO: (Sigh)

STU: Okay, you haven't, that's harsh – you don't have a donkey jacket. Anyway, he wasn't a love-rat and neither was Arthur Fowler – they just dabbled in playing away. A true love-rat would play away more times than Brian Cant. They'd know the risks and go back for more.

STATTO: You've just described James Bond.

STU: Exactly, shaken not stirred, that's your classic love-rat. Take Roger Moore, a proper Cold War love-rat. He bedded more Russians than the Moscow branch of MFI.

STATTO: So, you're saying that if I was going to become a love-rat, I should base all my womanising on being like a double agent.

STU: Yeah, Secret Squirrel.

STATTO: Very funny.

STU: But what I'm saying is that your classic love-rat is a bit of a smoothie, like James Bond.

STATTO: Or Vince from Just Good Friends.

STU: Only you could think that James Bond was similar to Vince from Just Good Friends.

STATTO: But surely he was your classic love-rat? He had the looks, the patter, the charm and he left Penny standing at the altar! You can't get more love-ratty than that?

STU: Love-ratty? Isn't that something Toad did, in the gay version of Wind in the Willows?

STATTO: That's bad!

STU: Maybe you're right about Vince.

STATTO: He even had a white suit!

STU: That's your classic love-rat clobber.

STATTO: Anyway, I can't stand here talking about love-rats.

STU: Why?

STATTO: I'm off to get me hair cut. I don't want to end up looking like Freddie Boswell.

STU: They're showing them again on Dave, soon. I'm into Bread.

STATTO: I didn't know you were from Spalding.

STU: Poor.