STU: Good Valentine's Day then, mate?

STATTO: Not bad, I suppose.

STU: Thank you, Cary Grant.

STATTO: What did you want me to say?

STU: You could have said whatever you liked. I never really listen to you anyway.

STATTO: Charming.

STU: Did you take Mrs Statto out for a romantic meal?

STATTO: No.

STU: Oh, I see, couldn't get a baby sitter, eh? What was it then? Put the lads to bed, cook her favourite meal, dim the lights, pop a bit of Luther Vandross on?

STATTO: No.

STU: So, what DID you do then?

STATTO: Err... I picked up a kebab on the way home from work and she had made herself a cheese sandwich.

STU: Welcome to the love palace. For an Old Romantic, you're not much of an old romantic are you?

STATTO: Well, I hate Valentine's Day. It's just a load of old corporate cobblers.

STU: I'm with you there, mate.

STATTO: Oh, sorry love, I forgot to buy you a teddy with a heart on its front from the petrol station. Have I ruined everything?

STU: Exactly. Still, it would have been a good excuse to play a few 80s love songs.

STATTO: I'm not a great one for love songs either.

STU: I don't half feel for Mrs Statto. It must be like being married to Victor Meldrew.

STATTO: Well, you name me one decent 80s love song... go on!

STU: What about Careless Whisper?

STATTO: What, like Marianne Faithful?

STU: No, mate, that was a Mars bar – and an unsubstantiated rumour.

STATTO: Anyway, I don't know why you suggested that song – even you hate it.

STU: Okay, what about Ain't Nobody by Rufus and Chaka Khan?

STATTO: What about it?

STU: (Sings) "I make my wish upon a star and hope this night will last forever."

STATTO: You can stop that right there.

STU: Okay, what about a love rap?

STATTO: Eh?

STU: How about, I Need Love by LL Cool J? It's got some belting lines in it. "You can scratch my back, we'll get cosy and huddle. I'll lay down my jacket so you can walk over a puddle." Come on, that's a belter!

STATTO: I've never heard of it.

STU: It's a 1987 vintage, mate.

STATTO: Well, you say that.

STU: I'm fighting a losing battle here aren't I?

STATTO: Yep.

STU: Okay, let's see if this appeals to you. You like Paul Weller don't you?

STATTO: You know I do.

STU: Well, Weller wrote THE classic love song of the 80s, You're The Best Thing. Now, don't tell me you dislike that one.

STATTO: Well, that's certainly a bit more like it but I wouldn't even put it in my Weller top 50.

STU: There ain't no pleasing you.

STATTO: That's more like it. Roses, champagne and Chas 'n' Dave.

STU: What is it with you and romance?

STATTO: Well, I think Chris de Burgh has a lot to answer for with his Lady In Red. Did you know the mono-browed weepers' real name is Christopher John Davison?

STU: CJD? That explains a lot.

STATTO: It's the literal French translation.

STU: What's your name in French?

STATTO: Statto de Burgh.

STU: And what's mine?

STATTO: Stu de Burgh.

STU: And what does de Burgh mean?

STATTO: It means "is a bit of a plonker", I think.

STU: Why pick on Chris de Burgh? He seems harmless enough.

STATTO: He killed off school discos for me. Lady In Red was such a big hit, and the girls loved it so much, it was the only thing to play at the end of every school disco.

STU: But that's okay, especially if you were smooching and on for some love action.

STATTO: Well, you know how I like to work to a plan and have everything in order.

STU: Sadly, yes.

STATTO: Well, when I was dancing and heard "lady in red is dancing with me", if the girl I was with, wasn't wearing red, that was it. Many a time I left a girl stranded in the middle of the dance-floor just because her blouse didn't match the song.

STU: That's just weird, especially as you were on the last train to Fumblesville. Sounds like you need lessons in love.

STATTO: The Level 42 album?

STU: No, a serious stint in therapy. Anyway, my other tip would be this. Next year, don't get Mrs Statto a Valentine's card, send her a Valentine's text. All the cool kids are sending them.

STATTO: To my wife?

STU: To each other. I got a Valentine's Day text, two years ago. It was off a woman I'd had a one-night-stand with a few weeks before. Well, I think it was a Valentine's text.

STATTO: Why?

STU: It just said: "Happy VD".

STATTO: What a de Burgh.