Statto: Why are you wearing a net curtain?

Stu: Because you told me to stop being so transparent.

Statto: Poor.

Stu: Anyway, it's not a net curtain, it's a shirt, with frills.

Statto: Oh, sorry, I'll rephrase that, then. So why are you wearing a net curtain as a shirt?

Stu: I've got a date. I know she likes costume dramas, so I'm going for the Arcy D'Farcy look.

Statto: Don't you mean Mr Darcy, as played by Colin Firth? Arcy D'Farcy was Roland Rat's agent.

Stu: He can't be very good. Roland Rat hasn't worked in years.

Statto: True, Basil Brush has been busy, though, and I guess you can only have one vermin species on TV at any one time.

Stu: Errr, if you say so.

Statto: So you're meeting a woman who likes costume dramas? Have you been reading up on them, so you have something to talk about?

Stu: I thought I'd wing it. Mention a few bits I've seen on the box.

Statto: Like?

Stu: EastEnders.

Statto: EastEnders? That's not a costume drama.

Stu: Yes it is! What, with all those blokes in suits, blinged up and carrying wads of cash about? That's a cockney costume.

Statto: And Brookside was a Liverpudlian costume drama was it?

Stu: Of course it was! With the big wigs, tracky-tops and 'taches.

Statto: If she discovers your high levels of ignorance on the subject, she'll feel a bit disappointed, mate. You need to recall some of the classics. The 1980s were full of them, you must remember a few.

Stu: What sort of thing are you talking about?

Statto: Brideshead Revisited, that was huge.

Stu: Didn't they remake that recently?

Statto: Yes, it was called Brideshead Revisited, revisited.

Stu: That's poor. Come on, you're not helping, what's it about?

Statto: It's based on a book.

Stu: They're all based on books! Come on, what happens?

Statto: It's a sumptuous tale of aristocratic life between the wars.

Stu: So was Jeeves and Wooster! That tells me nothing.

Statto: Well, it means well-spoken men with big teeth and massive foreheads, falling in love with each other and then women. All at a time when man-love and affairs were frowned upon by the upper-classes, rather than being a day-to-day activity.

Stu: What's it about?!

Statto: I don't know. I was about seven when it was on TV.

Stu: Thanks for popping in! Is there something I'm likely to have actually heard of?

Statto: Chariots Of Fire was a big hit in the early 80s. I'm not sure if your date would have seen it but it was a massive hit. And it had an amazing music soundtrack. The lead song was a big synth number.

Stu: Called?

Statto: I think that would be, Theme From Chariots Of Fire...

Stu: Again, thanks for popping in.

Statto: It was a Merchant/Ivory film, as was A Room With A View, another massive hit and costume drama.

Stu: I remember it well! It had Helena Bonham Carter in it. She looked well worth it.

Statto: Better not mention that on your date – unless your date is with er... Helena Bonham Carter, or a Helena Bonham Carter tribute act.

Stu: Fair point, well made.

Statto: What about A Passage To India?

Stu: Never heard of it, mate. Is it that new one on the High Street? I haven't been out for a curry in ages.

Statto: The film!

Stu: Oh yeah. That was directed by what's his name? David, errr?

Statto: Lean.

Stu: If you insist…. Now, where was I? Oh yeah, David, errr.

Statto: Stop messing about, stand up straight! Lean was his surname!

Stu: Oh!

Statto: The film is set in the 1920s and your hero, Nigel Havers, is in it!

Stu: Brilliant!! I can talk about it and have a great excuse to give it the full Havers too!

Statto: While wearing a net curtain.

Stu: Yeah, you're right, maybe I should get changed, first.

Statto: I would. Maybe you should slip into something slightly less camp – like a pair of sling-backs and pink Fedora.

Stu: Thanks. Once again, your advice has been absolutely useless.

Statto: I was just trying to help.

Stu: I was better off knowing nothing. Now I'll go out, make a mess of it, she'll get angry and leave – and I'll end up stuck in the pub all on my own. People will look at me sat alone and think I'm a weirdo, so I'll have to do the walk of shame and leave the pub.

Statto: So?

Stu: So, when I get outside, there'll be no taxi and I'll probably end up walking home in the rain. Thank you for nothing.

Statto: That's typical of you!

Stu: What?

Statto: Always turning a costume drama in to a crisis!

Stu: Boom boom!!