STATTO: What are you laughing at?

STU: I've just had a brilliant text from Hutch!

STATTO: How's Starsky?

STU: Very poor.

STATTO: So, why's it brilliant?

STU: He's caught himself being a right plank and sent a text putting his hand up to it – even though he could have got away with it, as no-one else was there.

STATTO: What does it say?

STU: It says: "Just had a shave with a new five-blade razor – as seen on TV – and caught myself nodding in approval into the mirror, as I stroked my chin. Help!"

STATTO: Brilliant. That's the power of advertising, mate.

STU: Talking of advertising and Hutch...

STATTO: Sounds like a new corporate-based cop show, a spin-off from the original. And now on BBC1, Advertising and Hutch!

STU: Can you expand on that at all?

STATTO: No, it was just a name. I haven't really thought it through.

STU: Thank you, Alan Partridge. Well, talking of advertising and Hutch, I got a great text off him over Christmas. It was so good, I kept it.

STATTO: Is he your guide to modern life?

STU: Kind of – but I wouldn't tell him that. The text said: "Apparently, the addition of a crappy slice of Viennetta turns a KFC Bargain Bucket into a festive feast. Is it just me, or is everything rubbish?"

STATTO: It's a good point, well made. And why does everything these days have to be branded Plus or Max?

STU: Well, on his 44th birthday, he sent me another text saying: "I'm 43 plus, today."

STATTO: Exactly. It's rubbish. I actually saw a pair of trainers the other day called Nike Air Max Plus.

STU: Unbelievable! What a bunch of brace-twanging plonkers.

STATTO: Whatever happened to new, or new and improved? At least that told you what was going on. There was the old product, and now we've made it slightly better.

STU: Nothing wrong with that, but why Max and Plus? It's meaningless. Also, what happens when they improve the Plus or Max product? Do we end up with Plus Plus and Max Max.

STATTO: Well, as with the trainers, we've already got a Max Plus!

STU: But why stop there? It could go on for ever. Max Plus Plus, Plus Max Plus Plus Max, Max, Plus Max Max Max Max You Can't Get No More Maxy And Plussy Than This Plus Max Plus!

STATTO: What happened to the good old days of advertising?

STU: Like the 70s and 80s. In fact, there's another example of corporate nonsense. Take Frosties and Tony the Tiger. Back when we were kids, Tony was rubbish at everything, but eating a bowl of Frosties cheered him up.

STATTO: Frosties always cheer me up too. They're grrrrrrrrreat.

STU: Poor. Anyway, these days, he's brilliant at everything and his bowl of Frosties just complements that – because, obviously, he has to be cool all the way through. In a 'we can't have anyone being un-cool at any point of our advert. That'll reflect on the product' type way.

STATTO: The Honey Monster is the same. When we were kids he was rubbish and bumbling, but not now he has to be great at everything. It's the same theory. It's rubbish.

STU: Honey Monster Plus.

STATTO: Tony the Tiger Max.

STU: Even Mr Muscle has changed. He's now actually got muscles – because, obviously, they can't have the product linked with something that isn't powerful and throbbing, can they?

STATTO: Throbbing? That's a powerful image – plus! Besides, he looked like a paedo back in our day.

STU: Judge Statto delivers his verdict.

STATTO: Well, what sort of bloke can be found stood in his underwear in a bath holding a can of polish?

STU: You could simply shorten that statement to: 'what sort of bloke can be found holding a can of polish?' I also notice you missed out the fact that he wore big glasses, when discussing his possible deviant ways.

STATTO: Smoothing over it – max!

STU: Don't call me Max. I just thought you would have mentioned his Ant & Decs. I'm guessing you didn't want to be a deviant by association.

STATTO: Well, I don't see it that way.

STU: You should have gone to Specsavers.

STATTO: You're wrong, mate. Deviants can't be spotted by their glasses. However, they can be spotted easily because they wear short-sleeved shirts and ties. Some carry clipboards.

STU: Perv Plus!

STATTO: So, we're agreed that anything with Max or Plus on the end is a bit lame?

STU: Too right.

STATTO: Fancy a pint.

STU: Go on then, mine's a Stella Plus.

STATTO: What's that?

STU: It's Stella with another pint of Stella. I find it makes the women more attractive.

STATTO: Does it give them the Max Factor?

STU: That's a bad joke – plus!