STATTO: You look positively ill, mate. Are you okay?

STU: What do you mean? I look ill?

STATTO: You look a bit peaky, green around the gills. Paler than Jacko at a pale face-painting stall.

STU: A – that's not true, and B – that doesn't even work! When was the last time you ever saw a pale face-painting stall?

STATTO: Errr?

STU: Exactly. Anyway, there's nothing up with me.

STATTO: But can you be sure?

STU: Yes, because I feel okay.

STATTO: But you never can tell.

STU: Will you shut up! Have you been possessed by Harold Shipman or something?

STATTO: Look at Jacko – he was all right one minute, and the next...

STU: It's like hanging about with Dr Death! Look, I've never felt better!

STATTO: Maybe you've got one of those rare illnesses – one that's hard to diagnose.

STU: Eh?

STATTO: Sometimes people discover they've got something that no-one else has.

STU: That's me! Just ask the ladies,

STATTO: Not like that! Like Dravet's syndrome or Parkinson's – named after the people who discovered and diagnosed them.

STU: Oh I see. So I might have Wilde's disease. Although we all might, seeing as there's nothing flamin' wrong with me!

STATTO: But how do you know?

STU: Will you stop saying that? Anyway, how do you know there's nothing wrong with YOU? From where I'm standing you've got Charlton's Disease. The symptoms include boozing and binging on kebabs. Later this turns to sickness, with continued bouts of verbal diahorrea.

STATTO: Charming. Maybe you've got a point though. Maybe more people's character traits could be given to the names of illnesses – just so you could warn people they were acting in an untoward manner.

STU: What you talking about, Willis?

STATTO: See, you just suffered a Different Stroke!

STU: Seriously, what are you talking about?

STATTO: Well, if you spent the evening using football phrases – claiming you'd 'set your stall out early doors' and gone at it 'full gun' by showing 'eyebrows' and playing 'Hollywood balls', I'd say to the confused woman you were trying to impress that you were suffering from Atkinson's Disease. She'd then understand that it was an affliction.

STU: I'd never use football analogies to get with women.

STATTO: I know that, mate. 'Cos you've been suffering from a severe dose of the Havers' for years.

STU: The Havers'?

STATTO: It's similar to shingles but instead of a painful skin rash, with blisters, you become hugely charming and can't stop trying to impress middle or upper class woman. The sufferer goes to lengths like kissing their hand on meeting them, complimenting them on their choice of perfume or opening the car door for them when the taxi reaches The Strugglers.

STU: So, it has nothing to do with shingles?

STATTO: No. Not as such.

STU: Well, using your theory, that means our mate Hutch is suffering from a bad case of the Hucknall's.

STATTO: Eh?

STU: Well, as Euge said, he's mystery, wrapped in an enigma, rolled into a ginger git!

STATTO: See, you're getting the hang of it now.

STU: I think I am! Let me try another one. I reckon that you're suffering from a terminal case of the Corbett's.

STATTO: Go on.

STU: Where the sufferer's eyesight goes, so that he has to wear thick, black-rimmed glasses. This is followed by the victim telling long, rambling stories that go nowhere. The classic Corbett's sufferer's motto is: "Why tell something in two minutes, when you can tell it in 22?"

STATTO: Very funny.

STU: Something no-one ever says to someone with a dose of the Corbett's.

STATTO: Okay, I get it!

STU: Let's think of some more. I'm into this now.

STATTO: Oh goodie.

STU: How about The Wogan's?

STATTO: Eh?

STU: Where the sufferer can't stop talking about the BBC canteen!

STATTO: That's just weird! Seriously though, I think my dad's got Bonnie Tyler's disease.

STU: How so, my Corbett's-suffering chum?

STATTO: You know my brother, Rich, lives in France?

STU: Yeah?

STATTO: Well, every time my dad drives over to see him, he gets lost!

STU: That's very good, I see what you did there. My dad's always getting lost too, so I bought him one of those sat-nav's, with a celebrity voice reading out the directions.

STATTO: That'll save him getting lost.

STU: Nope, he still gets lost! Although I think the celebrity voice I chose him doesn't help.

STATTO: Whose voice is it?

STU: Arthur Scargill's – it refuses to turn right. My old man's been going round in circles ever since he got it!

STATTO: Poor!

STU: Right, well, I fancy getting Baldwin's disease.

STATTO: Eh?

STU: Where the sufferer stands at the bar of a back-street boozer, chatting up birds and drinking large whiskies!

STATTO: Let's get a dose!!