Stu: Have you recovered from our weekend away in Berlin, yet? I only ask 'coz these days, it takes us longer to get over a big session than it takes you to tell a joke.

Statto: I think we had a Tarantino weekend, mate. The story is coming back to me in small parts and in no logical order.

Stu: I'm in bits, too. But that's three nights in Berlin for you. You can't sit still.

Statto: Well, you can't, not since you gave up the fags. Still, seven weeks without one, mate, you're doing well. I've been keeping up to date on www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/ smokingblog.html so I know you're a master storyteller.

Stu: And by that you mean?

Statto: Complete liar.

Stu: What choo talkin' about, Willis?

Statto: OK, I know you haven't had a fag but when we had a few beers in Berlin, you were like Ronnie Corbert, with your tall tales. You should have been sat in a big chair and a Pringle jumper.

Stu: Well, you can talk! You tried to convince us that Geoff Capes was rhyming slang for Richard Burtons, I mean, curtains.

Statto: It is – Geoff Drapes!

Stu: Oh come on, pull yourself together!

Statto: I see what you did there. Good curtain material.

Stu: What did I say that was so unbelievable?

Statto: That you were once a DJ!

Stu: I was!

Statto: And you decided to share this, just as the beautiful fräulein delivered the drinks to our table.

Stu: But timing is a big part of being a DJ! Once you've got it in your blood, you never lose it.

Statto: But?

Stu: I got sacked for playing too much Northern Soul.

Statto: Too much? How much were you supposed to play?

Stu: None.

Statto: I guess that's reasonable grounds for a sacking.

Stu: My boss ran two pubs. He DJ'd at one and I was supposed to play chart hits at the other.

Statto: Like what?

Stu: Well, it was 1988/89, so I was forced to play stuff like Bros, Rick Astley and Jason flamin' Donovan!

Statto: Ouch!

Stu: I couldn't resist chucking a couple of my own records in. Before long, I was spinning Northern Soul all night – in the comfort of my own home.

Statto: That's harsh.

Stu: So I wasn't lying, I was a DJ.

Statto: Fair enough. Another flashback I had was...

Stu: Were you in a coma for the duration of our trip?

Statto: No, I momentarily fell asleep in the Indian Restaurant. I was in a Korma.

Stu: Poor.

Statto: A bit like your conversational German.

Stu: I thought I did OK. I've been using a self-help DVD.

Statto: What was it?

Stu: The best of 'Allo 'Allo.

Statto: That's set in France!

Stu: But they had Nazis in it.

Statto: That explains the incident in the cake shop. "I vant zat one und zat one!"

Stu: The shopkeeper played along with it, though. He said: "Zat vas OK..."

Statto: Well of course he would! He was a German speaking English.

Stu: So the grammar needs a bit of work?

Statto: Yes! Still, it was good to be in Berlin during the 20th anniversary year of the fall of the Berlin Wall.

Stu: It was our duty to go. The fall of the Wall was a defining moment of the 80s, mate.

Statto: Those scenes of people attacking the concrete with sledgehammers, the parties in the streets and the end of communism in Eastern Europe had a huge impact on me.

Stu: It was immense – but most importantly, not all the things communism gave the world were lost.

Statto: Like?

Stu: Well, you can still get dirt-cheap beer in East Berlin.

Statto: Thank you, Ludwig Kennedy.

Stu: Well you can! Anyway, never mind all that, the best bit about the Berlin Wall coming down, was the Hoff turning up!

Statto: Even to this day, I can't believe that actually happened.

Stu: Can you imagine the meeting? "Right, this is a huge moment in the history of our nation and Europe as a whole and it will have great economic and political repercussions for decades to come. So come on, has anyone got any ideas how we can mark the occasion? I want something that sums up the power of the moment".

Statto: "How about getting that bloke who used to be in Knight Rider? What's his name?"

Stu: "David Hasselhoff!"

Statto: That's it, Hasselhoff. How about we get him to stand on the wall and mime a few tunes?"

Stu: "Yeah, that'll do it."

Statto: Honestly, you couldn't make that up!

Stu: Sad but true. Right, come on then, let's get down the pub and you can buy me a beer.

Statto: At this country's prices? You're joking! We're not in East Berlin now, y'know!

Stu: (Sigh).