STU: You look a bit red around the chops son, did you leave the heating on?

STATTO: No mate, I've just been running. I'm on a health kick.

STU: What?

STATTO: You heard.

STU: My ears heard it but my brain can't compute!

STATTO: (Sigh)

STU: Mate, I refer you to something I said to a rather large lad, at a student union gig I did the other week.

STATTO: What have you said now?

STU: Well, it was student union election time and there were posters of candidates up around the room. There was a big lad sat right underneath a campaign poster for himself, who started heckling – so I let him have it.

STATTO: Both barrels – lord!

STU: I just said, "What's your name mate?" and he said "Tom". I said, "look everyone, Tom's running for election, give him a big cheer" – which they did. I then said "So you're running for election are you Tom? Well, it's nice to see – coz let's face it son, you don't run for much do you?"

STATTO: Cruel but funny.

STU: So come on then, are you really trying to tell me that you're sweating like Gazza at last-orders, coz you've been running?

STATTO: Yep! I've just done a six mile run!

STU: Blimey, what's brought this on?

STATTO: Well, I used to love running when I was a kid but I guess it's one of those things you lose when you discover the birds and the booze. You know, having a good time.

STU: Thank you George Best.

STATTO: The only thing you don't lose of course is any weight.

STU: And by the looks of it, you've definitely had a good time.

STATTO: Thanks. Still, I'm going to give this running lark a serious go. I've got my old books out as inspiration.

STU: Oh yes! 80s glamour models, an inspiration to us all son!

STATTO: Not those sort of books! Running books!

STU: Sorry, I was thinking of armchair athletics.

STATTO: Of which you are a gold medalist!

STU: Listen at you all high and mighty now you've been for a jog.

STATTO: Well, it's something!

STU: Well you certainly won't be leading the British athletics revival!

STATTO: Why not? When Britain ruled the athletics world in the 80s, it made us feel like we could do anything.

STU: Like hold down 12 pints and a kebab?

STATTO: Admittedly, if there'd been a binge-drinking Olympics, we'd have been up there in medal contention.

STU: Too right!

STATTO: Sadly, there are still no prizes for lager consumption and a sit down scoff at Fatty Halal's all-night Kebab and Diner.

STU: Bitter are we?

STATTO: Well, I've wasted a lot of time.

STU: You mean you've been wasted a lot of the time!

STATTO: You can talk, you were there most of the time.

STU: We were like Seb Coe and Steve Ovett mate! Neck and neck most of the time and no-one else could catch us!

STATTO: Those were great times for sport.

STU: We had Steve Cram, Steve Ovett, Seb Coe and Peter Elliott. They were all fantastic to watch.

STATTO: Ovett and Coe were always a close run thing.

STU: Don't forget Steve Cram and Saiid Aouita.

STATTO: I had a poster on my bedroom wall of Cram, in his Jarrow and Hebburn yellow jersey, just pipping Aouita in the World Champs. Amazing!

STU: Hang on, what was that noise?

STATTO: Eh?

STU: It's ok, it must have been the sound of many of our female readers just putting the paper down, thanks!

STATTO: But the Coe and Ovett rivalry was like a dogfight. Both had world records and both beat each other's world records.

STU: There it is again!

STATTO: Eh?

STU: That was the sound of the rest of our female readers putting the paper down!

STATTO: I was just saying it was a great time for sport. There were some great female athletes of the 80s, too, mate.

STU: Like?

STATTO: Zola Budd, Fatima Whitbread, Tessa Sanderson.

STU: I can't remember. No offence but they weren't that good looking so I never paid much attention.

STATTO: Such a new man!

STU: I'm just being honest!

STATTO: Well, what about that Czech runner, Jana Kratochvilova?

STU: The one with the hairy armpits and teeth like Shane McGowen? Oh yeah, you've really raised the bar on the looks stakes there haven't you?

STATTO: It didn't matter how she looked, she was a great athlete. You're so sexist!

STU: What's sexist about preferring a good-looking woman to, err, one who isn't?

STATTO: But we're talking about athletic prowess, not going on a date!

STU: Oh stop preaching!

STATTO: I can't stay here rowing with you all day, I've got another 2k to do.

STU: You'd best run-along then.

STATTO: (Sigh)