STU: Have you heard that new track by The Maccabees and Roots Manuva?

STATTO: I have, mate, it's pretty good.

STU: Is it?

STATTO: Eh?

STU: I haven't heard it.

STATTO: Why did you ask me, then?

STU: I just wanted to sound cool.

STATTO: Pathetic. Anyway, I'm giving up on new music for a while.

STU: You're kidding? You usually love finding new bands.

STATTO: I know but I'm having a musical midlife crisis.

STU: You were having a mid-loaf crisis judging by the size of that sandwich you were eating last night! It was like a Scooby Snack!

STATTO: (Cough) Well, I was a bit peckish.

STU: Thank you, Elvis. Anyway, so what's a musical midlife crisis?

STATTO: It's like a normal midlife crisis but instead of getting a Porsche and a 19-year-old dolly bird, I keep buying back catalogues of CDs.

STU: Mate, it's no bad thing. It's still new music to you.

STATTO: True.

STU: I was reading a Northern Soul website and the guy made some great points, along the lines of what you just said.

STATTO: Like?

STU: He said, and I quote: "In terms of the history of the world, 40 years is nothing, yet the kids want to cynically call these classics old. To me they're as fresh and new as anything on the radio today. They're just down-right better. Definitely, the greatest ain't the latest."

STATTO: Well said!

STU: Besides there are worse midlife crises to have. Stop fretting about getting older. Just remember, no matter what age you are, the glass is half full.

STATTO: Yeah, to put my flamin' teeth in.

STU: That's it, stay positive. So, where did you discover this love for old music?

STATTO: In a lift...

STU: I give up! The lifts are alive with the sound of Muzak.

STATTO: It wasn't Muzak, it was a lift in a swanky hotel and the track was Gary Numan's Cars. Come on, that's cool...

STU: How weird that hearing Cars in a lift is better than hearing it in your car. "Here in my lift...I feel safest of all... I can lock both the doors...It's the only way to live...In lifts!"

STATTO: Realistically he should have been singing. "Here in my car... on the A46 ... And I'm stuck in a queue... bet I'll be here for hours... In cars!"

STU: But you're right, Gary Numan is a real forgotten force of music. Plus, Cars has been a big hit twice and in terms of influences and it's been used in more samples than a test tube at force headquarters.

STATTO: Likewise with Cabaret Voltaire.

STU: I had one of those when I was 18. It was always breaking down.

STATTO: Poor. I just love the fact that this weird little band became one of the most prolific and important groups ever to blend pop with dance music, techno, dub house and experimental electronic music.

STU: I haven't got a clue what you just said, there. Alphonse Ponce strikes again!

STATTO: That's it, lash out at what you don't understand.

STU: You don't even understand it. You're just reading it off the Internet. I'm watching you do it.

STATTO: Err...

STU: You're only doing it to sound cool.

STATTO: I refer you back to your Maccabees/Roots Manuva comment.

STU: (Cough)

STATTO: Best of all, Cabaret Voltaire are new to me, so I don't have to listen to everyone else banging on about their genius, or getting myself to a phone at five to nine just to get tickets for gigs. I can go at this old music at my own pace.

STU: You sound like you go down the record shop on your grandad scooter. That's not what Gary Numan meant by Are Friends Electric, you know?

STATTO: Says the man who just said "record shop". But it's a fair point, I do sound a bit outdated.

STU: Sound, look, it's all the same.

STATTO: Bizarrely, I've always loved Kraftwerk, yet I missed out on it all. I can't understand it.

STU: It's all a bit synth though isn't it? I mean, what about other bands? Not just ones that klunk and klang.

STATTO: Well, sadly, I missed out on the Specials. I wouldn't have minded some Ska in my life.

STU: That's a good shout mate, they did some great tracks.

STATTO: When they had their hits I wasn't old enough to have a job, so I couldn't afford their records.

STU: A case of Too Little, Too Young?

STATTO: I see what you did there.

STU: Anyway, come on, let me take you down the pub. I'll buy you a pint of mild and we can sit in the snug while you tell me about your gramophone collection.

STATTO: Can we go in the car?

STU: Yeah, I'll see if the Cabaret Voltaire's working.