Trading places with a half-pint headache

STU: So come on mate, it's a matter of days now and you know what I'm like with secrets!

STATTO: What?

STU: Come on mucker, can we finally announce you're about to be the father of twins? Two mini Stattos!!

STATTO: Well I haven't got a choice now have I? You've just told everyone!

STU: Well don't sound too excited!

STATTO: Sorry, I'm not feeling too well.

STU: What's up with you?

STATTO: I've got a hangover.

STU: Hangover? I thought you'd stopped drinking until the twins were born?

STATTO: I had.

STU: So how many did you have?

STATTO: A half.

STU: A half? Ken Barlow lord.

STATTO: I've been off the booze for months in case the twins came early. But I decided to have just a swift half on the way home from work last night and I woke up this morning with a headache.

STU: You've turned into a lightweight! That's career threatening!

STATTO: What career?

STU: Your drinking career! You've become the Darren Anderton of the booze world!

STATTO: Eh?

STU: One half and you're finished!

STATTO: That's actually quite funny for you. Anyway, you can talk, you look really rough today!

STU: I know mate, I've got a proper hangover.

STATTO: How many did you have?

STU: Eight pints of lager, six vodka and cokes and a couple of shots.

STATTO: Good work!! Hang on, I thought you went out on Saturday night?

STU: I did.

STATTO: But today's Tuesday!

STU: I know but I've discovered that as you get older, a hangover matures!

STATTO: Like a fine wine!

STU: Something like that. I tell you mate, I won't be right until Thursday! I'd trade places with you and your half-pint headache any day!

STATTO: And I'd trade places with you! If I had a hangover like yours, it'd mean I'd have had a great night!

STU: Trading Places 2, with Statto and Stu! I can play the Eddie Murphy role, coz I'm funny and you can play the Dan Akroyd role, coz he's fat.

STATTO: You can't play the Eddie Murphy role!

STU: Why?

STATTO: Coz A) You're not funny and B) You're not black!

STU: But apart from that I'm perfect.

STATTO: It'd be the worst casting since Sylvester Stallone had to play a "soccer" player in Escape to Victory!

STU: Fair point. Trading Places was a good film though.

STATTO: It was all right.

STU: Don't tell me, you preferred Twins.

STATTO: I see what you did there.

STU: Well I hope yours don't look Danny Devito and Arnie! Actually, maybe that's still better than coming out looking like you.

STATTO: I see that all the "who the kids will look like" jibes, are aimed at me and not Sara.

STU: Well, that's for three reasons mate. One – She's a nice looking woman is Mrs Statto. Two – She'd kill me. And three – I got into trouble at a gig last week for taking the rip out of a pregnant woman. Lesson learnt.

STATTO: Is no-one safe with you? What did you say?

STU: Well, I asked her when she was due and then I asked her if she was having the birth filmed.

STATTO: And?

STU: And whe she said "yes", I said "well, it makes sense. I mean, you filmed the conception, you might as well finish the tape off".

STATTO: Any other vulnerable groups you want to take a pop at? The elderly or the infirm for example?

STU: She turned up to the gig, therefore she was fair game.

STATTO: We simply couldn't do Trading Places. I haven't got the stomach for stand-up and you couldn't give up the women and the booze.

STU: You'll be back on the Tom Cruise soon enough mate. Your brother and I are organising a babies' head wetting session – or bed-wetting as he's calling it. There's talk of Bill coming up from London for it too.

STATTO: Oh no.

STU: Don't worry we'll bring some nappies over!

STATTO: Well that'll be a nice gift for the babies I suppose.

STU: The nappies will be for you mate! You'll need some protection, now you're a light-weight.

STATTO: Well I liked being pampered.

STU: Boom-boom!

STATTO: Maybe we could just stay in and watch a bit of telly and have a nice cup of tea instead.

STU: What are you on about?

STATTO: Well I'm nervous. It's a big comeback for me. Going to the pub for this "Bed-wetting" is like the Stone Roses getting back together. There're four blokes involved, no-one knows how good it'll be and it's happening this summer, at some point, but no-one knows when.

STU: Come on! This Is The One. What The World Is Waiting For, I'm Beggin' You.

STATTO: Ok, mine's a pint!

STU: You sure about that?