Here's to half a decade of nonsense and much more

Statto: Time flies doesn't it?

Stu: Not when you're telling one of your stories it doesn't.

Statto: Very funny. It doesn't seem like five years though.

Stu: Believe me son, listening to some of your stories seems like 10 years!

Statto: Oh we are hilarious today aren't we?

Stu: I do my best.

Statto: You know very well what I'm talking about.

Stu: Of course I do, although I wasn't joking about your stories!

Statto: (Sigh).

Stu: It's our fifth birthday.

Statto: The Old Romantics are five today!

Stu: At last!

Statto: At last what?

Stu: At last, they all line up!

Statto: What line up?

Stu: The years our column has been going, your mental age and the number of pints I need before I can face listening to one of your stories!

Statto: Will you just leave it about my stories. It's our birthday and… hang on, what do you mean my mental age??

Stu: Sorry, I should have said "our mental age".

Statto: That's better.

Stu: (Rolls eyes).

Statto: So come on then, how are we going to celebrate our fifth birthday?

Stu: We should have an imaginary party.

Statto: Err, we could, or we could actually have a REAL party.

Stu: Nah mate, imaginary parties are miles better. You can invite anyone you want and they'll turn up, the police won't get called because of the noise and there's no mess to clear up the next day!

Statto: I like the sound of this! But we still get to drink at this party though don't we?

Stu: Of course we do, don't panic son! You crack open a couple of bottles of lager and I'll get a pen and pad, we're making an 80s guest list!

Statto: Come on!!

Stu: Right, well first of all, cheers!

Statto: Here's to everyone who reads the column and has supported us over the last five years.

Stu: And another cheers to us. For half a decade of nonsense! Here's to many more!

Statto: Half a decade of nonsense? That's a really great name for an album!

Stu: Sounds like something Phil Collins would call one of his albums.

Statto: He's not on the guest list is he?

Stu: No he flamin' isn't! I'm not having Phil Collins at our party! No way!

Statto: Ok, calm down, easy lover!

Stu: Oh, I see what you did there with Phil Collins and Easy Lover. Very good that, mate.

Statto: Oh yes! So come on then, who's coming to the party?

Stu: What about Howard Jones? He could bring his keyboard.

Statto: Yeah, but he'd bring that flamin' mime artist with him too!

Stu: Jed?

Statto: That's him! I'm not spending the evening with some pasty-faced, bald bloke mimicking me!

Stu: Why?

Statto: Coz that's your job!

Stu: Boom-boom!

Statto: No mate, he'd get on my nerves. Plus he's a vegetarian, he'd clear half the buffet.

Stu: Now that's your job!

Statto: Boom! Boom! Right, so no Phil Collins, no Howard Jones and no Jed. Ok, who can we invite?

Stu: Basil Brush? Help with the Boom! Booms!

Statto: I'm not having vermin there mate. Especially one where you have to shove your hand up its...

Stu: Yes, thank you! Anyway, who else?

Statto: I always liked those old wrestlers you always go on about. Kendo Nagasaki and the like.

Stu: And have them sling us around the room for taking the micky down the years, are you kidding? Especially, with your acid tongue. They will clean us up.

Statto: I'd only ask them why they like wearing tights so much.

Stu: Exactly, they'll clean us up. I reckon it would only be fair to have the musical entertainment provided by a band that I have mentioned countless times in this column.

Statto: Not the Jam?

Stu: No they have split.

Statto: The Beatles?

Stu: No, they have split.

Statto: The Small Faces?

Stu: No they have split.

Statto: The Banana Splits?

Stu: No they've, oh very good! No, I want Half Man Half Biscuit there.

Statto: Forget it, no way. I've heard enough of them and I've barely listened to them. I just have you singing their tunes. And face it, you're no tribute act.

Stu: I could be Quarter Man, Quarter Biscuit!

Statto: And Half Wit!

Stu: That's very poor.

Statto: Do we need some 80s drink at the party? Bit of Hoffmeister, bit of Chesnut Mild, bit of Babycham?

Stu: Mate, forget it. I'm not drinking that, too many memories or should I say too few.

Statto: So let's confirm this. For our party, we have: No guests, no food, no drink and no music.

Stu: Well, at least you have me.

Statto: And no humour, too, thanks for reminding me.

Stu: So how do you want to celebrate?

Statto: Let's have a party...

Click here and Fight For Your Right (To Party)