Stu: Fancy a pint?

Statto: No.

Stu: Are you ill?

Statto: No.

Stu: Well, what's up with you then? You've got a face longer than a Jean Michel Jarre track.

Statto: I'm just fed up, that's all.

Stu: Why, has the missus found your subscription to Television X?

Statto: Taking the heat about watching movies like Horny Home Alone would be the least of my worries.

Stu: So what's up with you?

Statto: I'm depressed about my birthday next month.

Stu: Oh yeah, that's right, you're 35 in a few weeks. That's a landmark one that, mate. Well, they all are at your age!

Statto: All right, don't rub it in.

Stu: I can't believe you're depressed about turning 35! I turned 40 last year and I wasn't down.

Statto: I know but it just sounds so old. It's the age footballers start retiring!

Stu: Oh, so that's it. You mean that when you turn 35 you'll have to finally accept that you're not going to get spotted by Sheffield Wednesday? Let me tell you, mate, that dream died the moment you first kicked a ball!

Statto: It's not that, it's just, well…

Stu: Come on, son, cheer up. I'm proud to be 40. I was born in the 60s. The greatest decade of the last century. In fact, my favourite film and my favourite album were both released in the year I was born.

Statto: Really?

Stu: Yeah! A film that's come to symbolise everything that was cool about the 60s.

Statto: Carry on Screaming?

Stu: No! The Italian Job!

Statto: Is that an adult film?

Stu: I'm talking about the classic gold heist movie.

Statto: Now that is pretty cool.

Stu: I'm proud of the fact I was born in the year of The Italian Job.

Statto: I love that film. "You're only supposed to blow the bladdy doors off!"

Stu: Your Michael Caine Tourette's has kicked in – I knew it wouldn't take long!

Statto: "Don't throw those bladdy spears at me."

Stu: Zulu.

Statto: "You are a big man... but you are outta shape..."

Stu: Get Carter. Look let's stick to The Italian Job! I could watch the last half hour of that film every day and it would always make me smile. That Mini chase is just brilliant!

Statto: And what was the album?

Stu: Ogden's Nut Gone Flake by the Small Faces.

Statto: What an album!

Stu: It's a belter!

Statto: I love everything about it, the big Hammond organ tracks, Steve Marriott's vocals and the Stanley Unwin interludes. It's like nothing else I have heard.

Stu: It's a little bit of magic.

Statto: Did you know that on Stanley Unwin's grave, in which he is buried with his wife, it reads: "Reunitey in the heavenly-bode – Deep Joy." I think that's ace.

Stu: It was always amazing to hear him speak these strange words, yet you knew exactly what he was saying.

Statto: Remarkibold!

Stu: You're cheering up a bit now. See, if you think of you birth date like that, it all seems better. Let's try it with you.

Statto: OK.

Stu: So you were born in 1974?

Statto: Maths lord.

Stu: All right, just checking. OK, let's have a look on the Internet. The biggest film of 1974 was? Oh.

Statto: What?

Stu: Confessions of a Window Cleaner.

Statto: Well, that's great that is! You get one of the coolest films of all-time and I get Robin Askwith up a ladder!

Stu: That's not all he was up.

Statto: This is depressing.

Stu: OK, bad example. Let's have a look at albums. Oh.

Statto: Now what?

Stu: Remember Me This Way by Gary Glitter.

Statto: Wel,l that's just perfect! Thank you for totally ruining my day!

Stu: What?

Statto: Well, you get Michael Caine and the Small Faces, I get a sex-crazed window cleaner and a convicted paedophile!

Stu: All right, hang on, let me see if I can find a better album for you. Here we are, how about this?

Statto: Go on, and if it's anything by The Osmans, you're getting a dry slap!

Stu: OK, calm down. I was going to say Just A Boy by Leo Sayer!

Statto: Right! That's it!

Stu: I'm joking, I'm joking. How about Autobahn by Kraftwerk?

Statto: Now you're talking. A bit of German uber-cool.

Stu: I knew that would be up your street, or should I say intercontinental carriageway?

Statto: Come on, then, give me a good film!

Stu: It was a quiet year, mate. But The Taking of Pelham One Two Three was released and that's an amazing film, the greatest heist movie ever. And it's got Walter Matthau in it. You love him!

Statto: But I haven't flamin' seen it!

Stu: Well, I know what to get you for your birthday then, don't I?

Statto: I can't wait.