STATTO: I can't believe you.

STU: And good morning to you too, mate.

STATTO: Seriously, I don't know why I bother.

STU: I wasn't aware you ever did.

STATTO: I went to a load of trouble to get you an invite to Gary and Rachel's wedding and what do you do?

STU: What?

STATTO: Let me down, that's what.

STU: That's my default setting with you. You should know to expect the worst and anything else is a bonus.

STATTO: Stop trying to change the subject.

STU: What subject? The subject of you shouting abuse at me?

STATTO: No, the subject of you filling out what you wanted from the menu card and sending it back.

STU: Oh, that subject.

STATTO: Yes, that subject. You know they're vegetarians and you know very well that the whole wedding meal is going to be veggie too.

STU: And?

STATTO: So, why in the section marked "any special dietary requirements", did you write "Can I have a steak, please?"

STU: Well, I'll be hungry. I can't be lining my stomach with a goat's cheese salad, can I? That's not going to soak up any booze, is it?

STATTO: To be honest, I'm not all that keen on eating cheese that belonged to a goat.

STU: Exactly, that'll be one angry goat.

STATTO: Anyway, you'll be all right. I used to be a veggie and I never had any problems soaking up booze.

STU: No, you didn't, but that might have had something to do with you being the world's worst veggie.

STATTO: I wasn't the world's worst veggie.

STU: Yes, you were. You were also the world's fattest veggie. All you ever ate was veggie burgers and chips.

STATTO: Well, I, err...

STU: And then the doctor told you that you had to start eating meat again because your iron was so low, you kept getting nose-bleeds.

STATTO: Well, that is true but...

STU: But nothing. World's worst veggie! Ends!

STATTO: True. I had to give it up for health reasons, but I used to eat veggie burgers a lot because A – I liked them; and B – because the woman who made them was married to one of my musical heroes.

STU: I didn't know Chico was married?

STATTO: (Sigh) I'm talking about Linda McCartney. She was a veggie and Macca still is.

STU: So, she wouldn't touch a Big Mac? Paul must have been very frustrated.

STATTO: Poor. Apparently they were eating roast lamb for Sunday lunch and it was the lambing season on their farm. They looked at the lamb on their plates then looked at them outside and thought: "We're eating one of those little things that's running around outside." And they said: "Wait a minute, maybe we don't want to do this."

STU: And: "Maybe, we want to make veggie burgers for Statto instead."

STATTO: (Sigh) There were loads of veggies in the 80s. Howard Jones, for example.

STU: Was he a veggie? I thought it was his mate, the mime artist. I mean, he looked like your classic veggie. Pale, gaunt, staggering about everywhere because he was so weak.

STATTO: That was make-up and he was miming.

STU: What? Miming that he was a veggie?

STATTO: If I could reach you, I'd hurt you.

STU: As I said at a gig last week: "Any veggies in tonight? Come on, hands up. Well, only if you've got the strength."

STATTO: If they couldn't raise their hands, how could they have the strength to laugh. Oh, I remember, they didn't need to, you were on.

STU: Harsh. I went to the doctors once with a stick of celery up my nose and a carrot in my ear.

STATTO: Why?

STU: I wasn't eating right.

STATTO: That's so poor.

STU: There must have been more famous veggies than Howard Jones and Macca though.

STATTO: There are loads, mate – Damon Albarn, Kate Bush, Hitler…

STU: Oh, that's right, get Hitler in there. Where did you hear that?

STATTO: Celebrity Come Dine With Me on the Hitler Channel…

STU: Ridiculous! You trivialise everything.

STATTO: You're the one who can't take veggies seriously.

STU: And throwing the most evil man in history into the mix will spark a serious debate, will it?

STATTO: Better than using Howard Jones and his miming, mate.

STU: Imagine if the mime artist brought out the meal and it was an empty plate.

STATTO: I'd just pay him out of my imaginary wallet.

STU: Your imaginary wallet? No-one has ever seen your real one!

STATTO: Very poor indeed.

STATTO: So, are you going to come to the wedding, enjoy the meal and behave?

STU: Of course, I'll behave. With no meat inside me, I'll be too weak to do anything else.

STATTO: I give up.