STATTO: How's it going, mate?

STU: I'm having a relapse. I need a fag. I'm sweating like Bananaman during a Bananarama gig in a banana republic.

STATTO: That's just ridiculous.

STU: It's this treatment I'm on to stop the cravings. It gives me a vivid imagination.

STATTO: It seems a bit banana-centric to me. If it's any consolation, I found myself at a Bananarama gig two years ago and I sweated a lot too.

STU: You always sweat a lot. I've seen you break into a sweat while sitting still.

STATTO: You say that, but since we started our little get-healthy bet, where I go on a diet and you quit the cigs, I've ran 12 miles a week.

STU: Rubbish. If that were true you wouldn't be here.

STATTO: Don't do some gag about "you'd be in Peterborough by now" or something.

STU: I won't. I was thinking more of the intensive care unit.

STATTO: Well, I've stuck to my guns and, fingers crossed, by the time we go to Berlin on Thursday I should have lost a stone. So stick that in your pipe and look at it like you want to smoke it – but can't.

STU: Shut up about smoking will you. You're like Nick O'Teen.

STATTO: Well, you're hardly Superman. Mind you, it was a novel anti-smoking campaign, I'll give it that. It pitted Superman against the newly-invented super-villain Nick O'Teen, who was always trying to tempt kids onto the fags.

STU: Will you please shut up about smoking!

STATTO: In fact, that must have been around the time you got on the oily rags. Were you one of Nick O'Teen's victims that Superman couldn't save?

STU: Stop it!

STATTO: Does nicotine withdrawal make you tetchy at all?

STU: No! Besides, I think losing a stone is easier than quitting fags. Hence, on my blog I've told everyone that you were going to lose three stone (www.thisislincolnshire.co.uk/ smokingblog.html).

STATTO: Three stone in six weeks? Who do you think I am, Karen Carpenter?

STU: No, mate, I've heard you sing. You sound more like Harry Carpenter. If you know what I mean... err... Arry.

STATTO: I do get cravings though, mate, don't worry about that. Beer, chips, curry, fry-ups, baguettes, chicken chow mein, kebabs with chilli sauce.

STU: You're the only man I know who went into an all-you-can-eat restaurant on a Tuesday and didn't come out until the Thursday.

STATTO: That's just not true. It was Wednesday.

STU: Anyway, so you've cut out one meal – big deal! I'm going without more than 20 cigs a day.

STATTO: Please don't crack that gag about only smoking after sex.

STU: As long as you don't crack that "I'm on a seafood diet" line. There's a time for 80s gags and paying the price for our addictions isn't it.

STATTO: Our addictions?

STU: Yeah, me the cigs and you anything edible that is in some way life threatening.

STATTO: I really feel we're missing the point here a bit. We're supposed to be talking about the 80s.

STU: But you've looked like Billy Bunter since 1988 and I had my first fag, circa 1982. Also, a box of cigs didn't come with a health warning on it back then either. It was guilt-free puffing behind the bike sheds.

STATTO: Well, you must have loved that.

STU: What do you mean?

STATTO: You're the only bloke I know who took a pack of fags back to the shop because you did not like the health warning on it. The face of that poor woman behind the counter at the Co-op garage in Carholme Road was a picture.

STU: So?

STATTO: She just stood there in shock when you said: "I've just bought these Marlboro Lights from you but the pack says 'may cause impotence'. Could I swap them for the ones with 'don't smoke when pregnant" on? I've got a date tonight.

STU: The customer's always right. Besides, they should put similar warnings on kebabs. They don't serve people in pubs if they've drunk too much, so I don't think they should serve fat people in takeaways. Fair's fair!

STATTO: That's fattist!

STU: No, mate, that's the start a Jimmy Carr gag.

STATTO: Oh yeah.

STU: I'd rather be on the fags than overweight. I'm telling you, if I put any weight on at all, I'll be back on the cigs quicker than you can say Nick O'Teen.

STATTO: Such commitment.

STU: Also, now I have to wear glasses for work. If I put on any weight, I'll look like you!

STATTO: With your glasses, big ears and lack of hair, if you put on any weight, you'll look like Mr Rumbold from Are You Being Served?

STU: I need a fag.